So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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