just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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