I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize