my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
