He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
