like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
