i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
this hospital has no fireball
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
