I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
