Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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