my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There are leaves in my underwear?
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