They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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