I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
