Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im holly from the hills drunk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
