The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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