Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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