Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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