I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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