last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
and eventually we just all took our pants off
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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