this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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