So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
