god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
