ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
