You're so nebulous sometimes
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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