im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
