Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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