i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
