I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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