Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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