So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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