So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
