I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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