I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize