Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
