I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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