apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drake has all the answers
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
