when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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