We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
