and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
