my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
