you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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