Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
