So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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