Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
