Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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