Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
