I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
