yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
