I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
