why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
