Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
