i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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