Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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