Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize