I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
