On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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