Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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