Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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